I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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