on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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