upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
