Tell her she can't have a vagina
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
