I just pynch a tree in the face
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
