Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
