then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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