i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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