Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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