Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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