The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
