Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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