I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Randomize
