i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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