I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
