My cat gives me a boner
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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