I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
