Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
