I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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