i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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