I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
