The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
