apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
