Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
