you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
