It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
so much tequila, so little girl.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
