yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
