How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
