just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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