the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
