Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
