If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
