I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
