your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
