the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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