My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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