Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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