Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
