I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
