At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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