Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am spending my child support on dildos
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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