If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
