More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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