I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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