i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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