i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
