i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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