He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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