I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
