oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
