Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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