i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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