You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
