I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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