Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
